alison

it took me awhile to start typing, even when i'm doing so, i dont know how to put all my mixed up thoughts in words. too much in my mind that yes, i couldn sleep again. in fact, i couldn sleep everynight. do u call this insomnia? my body's tired, but my mind's filled with thoughts. or mb like what ed said, i'm sick, and i mean mentally, so a psychiatrist is needed? hahaha. i dont know. mb i shouldn say i'm sick, but rather filled with emotions and feelings that i myself couldn even control. or maybe it's like what my HRM lecturer said, it's related to some justice that when the outcome is lesser than the inputs, negative feelings start arising, for example, anger. but, i'm not angry, i just feel sad or rather disappointed.

i mean, be it with friends, lover, family, etc cos u know that u are busy, you try to find some time out for them. you make the effort to spend time alone with them. and they tell you, whether indirectly or directly, hey, i need time alone. i want to be on my own. you just feel hurt. but i know it's not wrong, it's ok to want to be alone, yet, i cant help feeling this way. it sucks, yes. mb like what i stated earlier, cos inputs are higher(sacrificing your own time), the outcome u get isn what u expected, negative feelings arise. hey, i'm applying HRM into my real life. hahaha.

at times, i really feel like telling people, hey, you know what, your life's your life, my life's mine, let's just go separately. but i cant, cos it's just a moment of disappointment and i know it's not wrong. mb ranting in my blog is good. or mb i shouldn be soft hearted, and just do it my way(starting to). well, i have to say sorry to everyone out there, mb some words that i had said isn right and i dont mean it at all. ohwell.

it's getting harder to trust these days, you cant blame anyone. i guess you just have to blame yourself, cos it's all in your mind. it's just a matter of whether you want to walk out of that life you have been. been trying my best to get out of it for years, but it seems impossible. as the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy. i'm afraid, in fact, very, to trust again, and i mean the complete kind of trust. when i want to trust, it either goes haywire, or something uneasy will happen. and all these pull me back. i'll be back to sq 1. and the whole vicious cycle start again. it's sad, but im determined to walk out of that life. :)

haha. so when will anyone know me inside out one day? i'm still searching.